Flirt Fest

There’s this event called flirtfest and it’s coming to San Francisco. It’s an event where girls are the ones who approach guys.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. I mean, aside from the fact that the promoter seems super fucking gay.

In my life, I’ve been approached about a dozen times and only one time did I ever end up going out with the girl. The other girls just did not interest me for whatever reason.

I’m all for women going for what they want but it’s just not the way things work. The way the real world works is usually one of two ways.

The first way is women send out signals and guys respond to the signals. If a guy is too dense to pick up the signals, then he’s not worth going out with. If the guy isn’t interested, then he ignores them.

This happened to me this past weekend when I was out with my buddy. We were just chatting and I noticed a group of 5 girls, one of them gave me the unmistakable look like she’s interested, like she wanted me to come over and talk to her. I wish I could describe the look, but I can’t. You can just feel it though when she looks at you.

Now, me being in the state that I am (quick review – I’m in love with one girl and she’s the only one I want), I ignored her signals. She was actually quite attractive. In any other time I would’ve talked to her. But I didn’t want to waste my time or her time, so I just smiled back and went back to talking to my buddy.

Then this girl did something brilliant. I guess she thought maybe, just maybe, I was too shy to come over to talk to her. So she came over to us and asked us to take a picture of her and her friends with a camera phone.

Now, I already told my buddy that this particular girl gave me the look and really wants me to talk to her. He knew I wasn’t interested so he offered to be the one to take the picture. But let’s say her assumption was right, that I was too shy. By coming over and approaching us, it’s fucking brilliant because she has a good excuse to come up to us (she wants a picture taken), and yet she gives leaves room for me to be the one to show active interest. She wouldn’t be hitting on me, I’d still be the one hitting on her. She just made it easy.

As it was, I was not interested but I was polite. She seemed like a really nice, beautiful girl.

The second way it usually goes is that the girl is not interested, doesn’t give off signals but the pursues her anyway. He eventually grows on her and they end up going out. Sometimes it starts out with disinterest on her part and sometimes it’s active dislike. Talk to some married couples and a lot of time the wife says “yeah, I hated him when we first met.”

I think the second scenario is probably way more common than the first.

Anyway, back to Flirt Fest. It’s going on tonight and Saturday night in San Francisco. With my schedule, I can’t make it anyway. Like I said, I don’t think it’s a great idea for women to approach guys because it’s just not the way the world works. But I’d like to go just to experience it.

Again, the two big things which are holding me back from going are (aside from my busy schedule) 1) I’m already in love with a girl and I’m not interested in starting something new and 2) I don’t want to take a spot from some guy who’s looking for love. My ticket could’ve gone to some guy who meets the girl of his dreams there. I can’t do that to them, so I’m staying home. Well, not actually staying home but you know what I mean.

 

Anthony Weiner’s cock

So by now you have no doubt heard about the Weinergate scandal. If you haven’t, well, here’s how you can recreate it – take a picture of your erect cock in your shorts, print out about 50 copies, spread them on the ground and just roll around in them for half an hour. Maybe hit yourself in the face with a dildo for effect. Or maybe you could Google it. Or hit up the Weinerwickicockopedia.

Anyway, who the fuck sends pictures of their erect cocks to chicks? I mean aside from skinny Jewish politician dorks with gigantic noses. Does that even work? I mean, are we wasting our time trying to be better men when all we have to do beat off to Scarlett Johannnsenn (jesus, how many Ns are in her name) and take a picture?

I gotta find me my own 40 year old Reno blackjack dealer and try it out.

 

Update 6-14-2011

Alright my plan for posting more often is going nowhere.

I wanted to post more often to this blog but work has been kicking my ass. And I didn’t want to just post about dating but rather any subject I happen to think of because frankly, I don’t think about girls or dating for the most part unless I’m writing on this blog. I just live my life, I meet people, and things go from there. I really think that, in spite of all the good advice out there, if you obsess about your dating life you’re kind of losing the battle. I just try to move about my life confidently and without fail I meet a lot of great people, approximately half of them being women.

And frankly, I also never think about race other than when I’m writing this blog. It just doesn’t affect my life from day to day. I mean I’ll think about it if it touches me but that’s pretty much never. There’s a lot of stuff in this world to be taken by, a lot of problems but a lot of really beautiful, wonderful things and race is one of the least interesting.

I’m also going to try to post more like the way I talk, show more of my real personality because trust me, I’m not this formal. I’m an outspoken guy, sometimes a little too much of an asshole but not on purpose, but just because I have my opinions.

So there you have it.

 

My situation

I guess I should disclose a little bit more about my situation, since I keep referring to it.

I have one-itis, really, really bad. I was dating her for a while and we even discussed marriage. We were headed that direction.

She is tall and beautiful. Yes, she’s a white girl. Former volleyball player for one of the UC schools, and she’s a very strict Catholic. Strict meaning she doesn’t believe in sex before marriage. That’s right, she’s a virgin. Now she knew that I had long sexual history but she was okay with it. I knew that there would be no sex before marriage and I didn’t care. Fine with me, as long as she was the one girl I would be having sex with for the rest of my life.

Now this girl had a TON of guys in love with her. Every guy that knew her was in love with her but she had never been in love before. She’d had a few boyfriends, all those guys wanted to marry her but she never felt any spark for any guy before. That was, before she met me.

She fell completely in love with me. We did talk very seriously about getting married. We were on track to get married. And then I fucked up.

How did I fuck up? You can probably guess, I had a moment of weakness and I had sex with some other girl. It is entirely my fault and it’s a leftover effect of having lived a promiscuous life. I don’t want to dwell on my fuck-up because it’s shameful and it’s incredibly painful for me to think about.

This devastated her. There are a lot of things she can forgive but what I did is probably the hardest thing for her to forgive. I wish I could expunge my entire past of sexual experience if it means I can get my dream girl back.

I still have hope and faith in God that everything will work out. Hopefully she can forgive me and we get back together. Our mutual friends tell me that she may never fall in love again, that I am the perfect man for her. They also tell me that I fucked up royally and I have a lot to make up for.

You know the advice that guys usually give you when you have one-itis: to get over a girl you have to go out and have sex with a lot of other girls. Well that’s total bullshit. I know that I can go out and have sex with a bunch of other girls. And I also know that if I do so, it will make me feel miserable, maybe even suicidal because each girl I fuck will take me farther away from what I want. I know what I need to do is make things right.

This entire episode has thrown my life off-course. I feel like my life is adrift and I need to correct course.

My life isn’t a complete shambles. I mean, I have a very good, stable job at a good company. I own a home in a very affluent neighborhood. It’s funny, I used to think I was the poorest guy on the block. One of my neighbors owns a BMW M3, a Mercedes S Class, and a Pathfinder. Another neighbor of mine owns a boat. I drive a Subaru and I don’t have a boat. But then I found out that they are all deep, deep in debt and I am debt-free. So in comparison, I’m not doing too bad.

But here is where my life is off-course. Before my girl broke up with me, I was planning to start my own business and start a few other lines of passive income. I wanted to write a book. Ever since we broke up, all my plans have died. I don’t go out very much any more. As an aside, when I do go out, without fail I meet an attractive girl who wants to get together with me but I have no interest. At least I know my socialization skills aren’t suffering, it’s just my ambition that’s going down the shitter.

So for the last several months I’ve just been going to work and drawing a paycheck.

I know what I need to do. I need to fix everything else in my life, even though I don’t have my dream girl back yet, and show her that I’m serious about getting her back. If I’m successful, then it’ll be all worth it. If she doesn’t take me back, at least I’ll be on my way toward healing.

EDIT – I forgot to add one thing. You know how I said she’s saving herself for marriage? Well, sometimes her resolve wasn’t there. I mean, sometimes she was really, really sexually aggressive with me. Some of the guys she dated really wanted to have sex with her but she was always strong and she could resist them. Well, with me she said she had a very tough time avoiding temptation. She told me she’d never been tempted to have premarital sex before but with me she just couldn’t control herself. It’s a good thing that when she felt weak, I was strong enough to say “honey, you’ve waited this long to have sex…let’s wait until our wedding night so it’s extra special.”

Sometimes I was the weak one, but many times she was the weak one and I had to be strong. Do I regret not having sex with her? No, not at all. It was really important for me to wait and I knew it was important for her. I’m glad that we were never both weak at the same time. I am hoping that things work out and that wedding night happens for the both of us.

 

Be yourself

This past winter I spent a lot of time skiing in Tahoe, mainly because I wanted to take my mind off my relationship situation.

That’s right, I still haven’t gotten the girl of my dreams back. I’m broken hearted and so is she, but I’m gonna keep trying. But that’s beside the point.

On many of my frequent trips to Tahoe for skiing I would do rideshares with people I meet on messageboards. With gas so expensive it makes sense to find someone to split the gas with.

On two different trips I rode up with Asian guys, two different Asian guys. On one trip I drove up with a guy we’ll call Rob and another trip I rode up with a guy we’ll call Mark. Two totally different guys. Rob was more outgoing, Mark a little bit more shy. They were both really nice guys, not bad looking, they both had good jobs and neither had a girlfriend. Rob was in love with a girl he was in love with but didn’t have the nerve to ask her out.

But they were both really similar in one way and it’s this – I felt like I had to dig really deep to get to their real personality. It’s like they buried their true selves 6 feet under ground.

“Be yourself” is the most cliched advice ever but that’s because it’s true.

I’ll give you some examples. Every time I asked Rob a question, he would reflexively laugh for no reason. It’s not like was making jokes, it’s a just his standard response. You know how some people always start their sentences with “Well,….”. Rob always started his sentences with a laugh.

And when Rob did start talking, he was so indirect with his opinions. For example, if I like something I’ll say “I really like blah blah blah.” Rob would say “don’t you think blah blah blah is kinda cool?”

The other guy Mark was the same way with his indirectness. But the thing that really struck me about Mark was this – while Mark was skiing, some other skier ran into him, busted his lip pretty bad, and broke his googles. When I asked Mark about it later, he just kind of chuckled “yeah, can you believe that guy ran into me?” But I could tell he was really bothered by it.

I mean, if it were me I’d be like “what the fuck! Did you see that fucking moron. I’m gonna make him pay for my googles!” Now, I don’t mean be overly aggressive or to be a combative jerk. I mean let your emotions show, be who you are. There is no reason to hide yourself and there’s no reason to apologize for who you are. If you’re angry, be angry. If you’re out-of-this-world happy, then be f’n happy. That’s all I’m saying.

Watch this next video. If you have the same problem as Rob and Mark then this video, probably more than any dating material will save your life.

It’s a guy name Greg Dean who teaches people how to do standup comedy. He talks about how to find your comic voice, your inner voice. Apply this approach to your every day life and let your true voice out.

 

Hello again

I know I haven’t posted in a while. A lot of stuff has gone down in my life, some good, some bad. I’m hoping that by posting more to this blog it’ll help me work through some stuff.

I’m not going to reveal everything that’s happening to me but let’s say I am hung up on one girl. We were together for a while, and now we’re not and it’s all my fault. I’m going through a tough time and the girl is devastated as well. That’s all I’m going to say. Whatever you are assuming happened is probably wrong.

I still have success with other girls, but I don’t care. I want to get this one back. You know how that say you can get over a girl by sleeping with a bunch of other girls. Well, that’s total bull. It doesn’t work.

 

Overcoming anxiety

Probably the biggest obstacle that guys face when it comes to talking to women is approach anxiety. And since I don’t use pickup techniques, all I can do is describe how I deal with approach anxiety. This works for me, sometimes too well (more on that later) but no guarantees for anyone else.

There was a time when I used to get approach anxiety really bad. I would agonize over what to say or the perfect way to go up to a girl, which just led to frustration and paralysis. The way I overcame approach anxiety was a two step process. The first step was to read people and the second step was to feel the attraction. By attraction I don’t mean just admiring how pretty a girl looks or how sexy her body is. I mean real attraction, as in being attracted to the person beneath the looks.

The first step – the ability to read people. This is not easy to do and I’m probably going to do a bad job of describing it but here goes. What I would do is when I would meet someone for the first time in any kind of setting I would imagine what type of person they were underneath it all, then I would talk to them to see if I was right. Through enough trial and error, the story I made up about people would get more and more accurate. I eventually got very good at this. People give off so many subtle clues about themselves, it’s really all out there for people to pick up. All you have to do is pay attention and observe the clues. Once I could read people well, I could identify the girls I was deeply attracted to, not just the physically enthralling ones.

The second step was that when I come across some girl I really like to really feel the attraction, really feel it strongly. I wouldn’t think about what to say or do, I would just feel her and my attraction to her. Then think/feel “can I let this woman walk into my life and walk out forever?”

The answer to that question was often a resounding “no.” And that’s all it took for me. The motivation is there for me to go up to some girl and talk to her. Sometimes the motivation is so strong I can’t stop myself. I’ve even been in situations where I see some girl, and then the next thing I know we’re engaged in some really intense conversation and I don’t even know how I got there. It’s like some invisible force moving me through whatever it takes to talk to some girls.

I can’t even describe what it is I say to girls when I go up to them. Usually it’s the first thing that pops in my mind. I think I once said “you’ve got nice hands” which is really stupid. The point is that it doesn’t matter what I say, as long as I am going up to a girl totally attracted to her it’s kind of a moot point.

I know this is confusing and I’m doing a really bad job of describing what it is I do. I think the main thing is that it works for me. It may not work for you, but there is something out there that will. Your job is to find it.

Keep in mind, this only works for me if I’m really into a girl. If I’m just so-so attracted, then I experience all the old approach anxiety scenarios. Well, except when I’m alone and bored. If I’m all by myself, then I have no problem talking to anyone because I hate being bored.

 

Update

Sorry I haven’t posted in so long. As they say, sometimes life catches up with you. I lost my job, got a new job, plus I have a start up company on the side so now I’m working two jobs.

In addition, one of the drawbacks of being able to get girls is all the drama that ensues. Don’t get me wrong – women are amazing and are worth all the drama but it can get to be very tiring and time consuming.

I’ll try to post every once in a while, probably not as often as I used to. Rock on everyone.

 

Watching the Pickup Artist on VH1

I hadn’t watched any of the new season of the Pickup Artist but I set my Tivo to record the episodes. Well, last night I decided to clean out some of the junk in my Tivo so I watched some of the episodes.

I really can’t comment that much on the techniques since I’m not a pickup artist, but there was one guy who was constantly saying to girls “let’s go get pedicures together.” I’m sorry, what? Get pedicures together?

Look, I’m all for guys bettering themselves and if this makes them happy then I say more power to them. But I have to wonder, before this guy ever came on the Pickup Artist show, did he ever want to get a pedicure in his life? I know it’s just a line but what is this line supposed to communicate to a girl? Is it supposed to communicate “I’m the type of guy who will act gay to get girls”?

 

Online dating and race

I don’t do online dating. I’ve never even tried it so this post isn’t really about online dating per se. It’s about what women put in their online ads, specifically when it comes to race.

If you’ve been reading my blog, you know my thoughts about race. I think that race doesn’t matter. Just go about living your life without fear and whatever you need will come to you. You only fail if you give up. However, sometimes it can be daunting to read through online dating profiles and see that almost no woman ever puts down that she’s looking for an Asian guy. They either put down that they prefer white, black, sometimes Latin, or no preference.

If you let it get to you, it can be discouraging but I want to tell you that it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t and here’s why. I know a lot of girls who have online profiles. I’ve dated girls who have online profiles and you know what? Every single one of them say in their profiles that they are looking for a SWM – a single white male. And yet they dated me. I know one of the girls thinks of me as the great love of her life who got away, yet in her Match profile she’s says she’s looking for a white guy?

So what gives? What’s probably happening is that by saying they are looking for a white guy, it’s kind of short hand for saying “we get the same jokes, like the same stuff, we understand each other.” It almost never means she’s looking for someone who has light pink skin and blond hair. You can meet a girl and show her that you get the same jokes, understand each other, and then the “white” thing goes out the window. It doesn’t matter because you met her real requirements, regardless of skin color. When I hear that a girl has never dated an Asian guy before, I just think “well, she hasn’t met me yet.” Almost every girl I’ve dated has never dated an Asian guy before.

Now, specifically about online dating – I think it’s a bad idea. I just think things are stacked against Asian guys in online dating. Putting myself in front of a girl and talking to her, that’s my strength. Responding to online ads with email pretty much eliminates every advantage that I have so I don’t do it. If there are guys, Asian guys, who have been able to successfully date online then more power to them. My opinion is that we should be the best men we can be, get out there and meet people.