Overcoming anxiety

Probably the biggest obstacle that guys face when it comes to talking to women is approach anxiety. And since I don’t use pickup techniques, all I can do is describe how I deal with approach anxiety. This works for me, sometimes too well (more on that later) but no guarantees for anyone else.

There was a time when I used to get approach anxiety really bad. I would agonize over what to say or the perfect way to go up to a girl, which just led to frustration and paralysis. The way I overcame approach anxiety was a two step process. The first step was to read people and the second step was to feel the attraction. By attraction I don’t mean just admiring how pretty a girl looks or how sexy her body is. I mean real attraction, as in being attracted to the person beneath the looks.

The first step – the ability to read people. This is not easy to do and I’m probably going to do a bad job of describing it but here goes. What I would do is when I would meet someone for the first time in any kind of setting I would imagine what type of person they were underneath it all, then I would talk to them to see if I was right. Through enough trial and error, the story I made up about people would get more and more accurate. I eventually got very good at this. People give off so many subtle clues about themselves, it’s really all out there for people to pick up. All you have to do is pay attention and observe the clues. Once I could read people well, I could identify the girls I was deeply attracted to, not just the physically enthralling ones.

The second step was that when I come across some girl I really like to really feel the attraction, really feel it strongly. I wouldn’t think about what to say or do, I would just feel her and my attraction to her. Then think/feel “can I let this woman walk into my life and walk out forever?”

The answer to that question was often a resounding “no.” And that’s all it took for me. The motivation is there for me to go up to some girl and talk to her. Sometimes the motivation is so strong I can’t stop myself. I’ve even been in situations where I see some girl, and then the next thing I know we’re engaged in some really intense conversation and I don’t even know how I got there. It’s like some invisible force moving me through whatever it takes to talk to some girls.

I can’t even describe what it is I say to girls when I go up to them. Usually it’s the first thing that pops in my mind. I think I once said “you’ve got nice hands” which is really stupid. The point is that it doesn’t matter what I say, as long as I am going up to a girl totally attracted to her it’s kind of a moot point.

I know this is confusing and I’m doing a really bad job of describing what it is I do. I think the main thing is that it works for me. It may not work for you, but there is something out there that will. Your job is to find it.

Keep in mind, this only works for me if I’m really into a girl. If I’m just so-so attracted, then I experience all the old approach anxiety scenarios. Well, except when I’m alone and bored. If I’m all by myself, then I have no problem talking to anyone because I hate being bored.

 

Update

Sorry I haven’t posted in so long. As they say, sometimes life catches up with you. I lost my job, got a new job, plus I have a start up company on the side so now I’m working two jobs.

In addition, one of the drawbacks of being able to get girls is all the drama that ensues. Don’t get me wrong – women are amazing and are worth all the drama but it can get to be very tiring and time consuming.

I’ll try to post every once in a while, probably not as often as I used to. Rock on everyone.

 

Watching the Pickup Artist on VH1

I hadn’t watched any of the new season of the Pickup Artist but I set my Tivo to record the episodes. Well, last night I decided to clean out some of the junk in my Tivo so I watched some of the episodes.

I really can’t comment that much on the techniques since I’m not a pickup artist, but there was one guy who was constantly saying to girls “let’s go get pedicures together.” I’m sorry, what? Get pedicures together?

Look, I’m all for guys bettering themselves and if this makes them happy then I say more power to them. But I have to wonder, before this guy ever came on the Pickup Artist show, did he ever want to get a pedicure in his life? I know it’s just a line but what is this line supposed to communicate to a girl? Is it supposed to communicate “I’m the type of guy who will act gay to get girls”?

 

Online dating and race

I don’t do online dating. I’ve never even tried it so this post isn’t really about online dating per se. It’s about what women put in their online ads, specifically when it comes to race.

If you’ve been reading my blog, you know my thoughts about race. I think that race doesn’t matter. Just go about living your life without fear and whatever you need will come to you. You only fail if you give up. However, sometimes it can be daunting to read through online dating profiles and see that almost no woman ever puts down that she’s looking for an Asian guy. They either put down that they prefer white, black, sometimes Latin, or no preference.

If you let it get to you, it can be discouraging but I want to tell you that it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t and here’s why. I know a lot of girls who have online profiles. I’ve dated girls who have online profiles and you know what? Every single one of them say in their profiles that they are looking for a SWM – a single white male. And yet they dated me. I know one of the girls thinks of me as the great love of her life who got away, yet in her Match profile she’s says she’s looking for a white guy?

So what gives? What’s probably happening is that by saying they are looking for a white guy, it’s kind of short hand for saying “we get the same jokes, like the same stuff, we understand each other.” It almost never means she’s looking for someone who has light pink skin and blond hair. You can meet a girl and show her that you get the same jokes, understand each other, and then the “white” thing goes out the window. It doesn’t matter because you met her real requirements, regardless of skin color. When I hear that a girl has never dated an Asian guy before, I just think “well, she hasn’t met me yet.” Almost every girl I’ve dated has never dated an Asian guy before.

Now, specifically about online dating – I think it’s a bad idea. I just think things are stacked against Asian guys in online dating. Putting myself in front of a girl and talking to her, that’s my strength. Responding to online ads with email pretty much eliminates every advantage that I have so I don’t do it. If there are guys, Asian guys, who have been able to successfully date online then more power to them. My opinion is that we should be the best men we can be, get out there and meet people.

 

Belated Merry Christmas

As it usually happens, life has gotten in the way of blogging, but I promise to have new posts up soon.

I also want to make sure I have something to discuss and not just write about any old thing. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night with a seemingly brilliant topic to write about then wake up in the morning and have recollection of what it was. I need to start sleeping with a notepad on my nightstand.

 

Physical affection with a girl

I wanted to add some further thoughts about getting physical. I just remembered an anecdote that might be informative.

It might seem counterintuitive but sometimes when a girl is not physically affectionate with you, it can be an indication that there’s attraction. There was one girl who I’ve known for a few years now. She’s in my circle of friends and all the guys are attracted to her.

I initially didn’t pursue her romantically because for some reason or another there has always been some logistical problem that prevented us from getting together, either I wasn’t single or she wasn’t single, etc. One thing that was conspicuous is that whenever it came time to say goodbye, she would hug all the other guys but I never got a hug. She was really flirty with the other guys but physically distant from me. She was warm and friendly, but just never touched me.

I think back to my unconfident days and I would have interpreted that physical distance as non-attraction, but this time I knew better. I knew that there was something there. I could feel it. This is another example of trusting your gut rather than letting insecurities run you. And sure enough, there came a time when we were both single, and we were alone and out of the blue I just kissed her.

Now we didn’t end up in a relationship for various reasons that I won’t get into, but we’re still great friends and still get together (yes, in “that” way) occassionally. She admitted to me that she stayed physically distant from me on purpose (by the way, she hasn’t hooked up with anyone else in our circle of friends, just me).

Women are so interesting.

 

Getting physical too soon

I’ve noticed that if I get too physical with a woman too fast, it usually doesn’t go well for one reason or another.

I remember one situation when I met a girl in a bar and we locked ourselves in the bar bathroom, we made out, and I felt her up all over. Trust me, it was just as sleazy as it sounds. Maybe more. I think that was the problem because when I expected her to separate from her girlfriends and come home with me, she got her friends to take her away.

Now let me add a disclaimer. I am really looking for that one special girl, so I have a tendency to go after nice, or nice-seeming girls. My friends and I have a saying – when we go to bars and clubs we’re looking for girls who look like they don’t normally go to bars and clubs. Doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate a party girl, but a party girl isn’t going to hold my interest if there’s a beautiful, girl next door type standing next to her. And I think that was the problem in this situation. This girl was acting in a way incongruent with her self image, because she did seem like nice girl, and she found a way to get out of a jam by getting her friends to take her away.

This isn’t to say that getting overly physical in the bar/club will always jeopardize your chances. Sometimes it’s the right thing to do. It really depends on the circumstances, but I find it doesn’t work for me.

Now a slightly different situation. Let’s say instead of getting really physical with a girl in the club, I play it cool, navigate the logistical problems and we end up sleeping together. This has never led to a relationship for me. At most, it’s led to a few hookups.

It might be my fault. If a girl sleeps with me the very first day I meet her, I tend to categorize her as “a girl I’m probably not going to marry.” It is a double standard and I’m not proud of it, but it’s there.

This isn’t really advice. It more about how things work for me, and maybe other guys who are looking for the one girl for them.

 

Men are built to pursue

As frustrating as it is sometimes to pursue women, occasionally I’m reminded of the fact that we as men actually prefer it this way.

I went to a holiday party and one particular girl took a real liking to me. I mean she was following me around, asking people to take pictures of us with her digital camera. Other people thought we were a couple. It was an immediate turn-off.

This has probably happened to most of you at some time or another – a girl you would have liked in other situations likes you first and likes you too much.

She was cute enough. If she were less aggressive, I would have wanted to go up and talk to her. But her super aggressiveness killed any attraction I had to her. I was thinking “you hardly know me, how can you like me so much?” Isn’t that what girls say when guys like them too much too soon? Weird to have the tables turned. I don’t like it one bit.

I’ll try to remember this scenario when I’m pursuing a woman and I’m working so hard it’s driving me crazy. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

Drinking alcohol in social settings

A few years ago, I thought that I needed to drink to be social. I mean, I was good socially when I was sober but it seemed like it was easier, the conversations flowed better when I had drinks in me. Not too many drinks, just a few to loosen up.

With a few drinks in me, the conversation just flowed and I was able to be funny and interesting. When I didn’t drink, it just seemed like a lot of work to be interesting. Funny thing is that the next day I could never remember what I said.

Well, one day I tried an experiment. I tried to not drink at all. It was tough. I had to work really hard to be a good conversationalist. But I kept trying to be good socially without drinking and I got to the point where I was just as good completely sober as I was when I was drinking.

And you know what? Now, when I drink I find I have to work harder to be good socially. I’m much better now when I’m completely sober. And the most amazing thing is this – even though I’m not drinking a drop of alcohol I still can’t remember what I talk about the next day, just like when I was drinking.

It had nothing to do with alcohol. So there is a conversational “state” that I get into that has nothing to do with alcohol. It used to be when I was drinking, now it’s when I’m sober. It’s much better now that I’m not drinking though. I encourage other people to do the same type of experimentation.

 

Manny Pacquiao beats De La Hoya

I just found out that Pacquiao beat De La Hoya. I had absolutely no idea that Pacquiao was Asian (Filipino). Awesome for him.

I haven’t followed boxing in a long time but it seems Manny is now considered the best pound for pound fighter in boxing. And if you watch that show “The Ultimate Fighter,” the toughest middleweight fighter they have is a Filipino guy named Phillipe Nover. Hey, he’s a black belt in jiu-jitsu just like me. He’s a little guy that hits like a Mack Truck. What is it about tough Filipino guys?

As I posted before, knowing how to fight will not help you get girls. It’s just cool to see these guys have success.