“Wingmen”

Since this is the “Non-Pickup Blog” it should come as no surprise that I abhor the concept of “wingmen.” Wingmen are only applicable for pickup artists and fighter pilots, but not for me.

For me personally, to designate your buddies, your friends as wingmen means that you’re out on a mission to achieve something rather than just out to have fun. That just leads to frustration and trying too hard (hence the URL of my blog – “no try hard”).

I’ve found it’s way more effective to live my life, spend time with my friends, enjoy every minute and I find I meet all the people, women included, that I need. It’s a matter of letting go and trusting God (or the universe, or the flying spaghetti monster if you prefer).

 

When a woman touches you

Just got back from a party. Not really sure what the point of this blog post is. I’m just recording my thoughts.

So I went to the party with this girl who I’m casually dating. She’s a former Tri-Delt, from Mississippi. I’ve dated a lot of sorority girls but never a Tri-Delt. I should be too old, too mature to care about stupid shit like this but I guess I’m not because I still think it’s cool.

There were a couple of guys there who I know were in love my date. They had tried unsuccessfully to ask her out in the past but she wasn’t interested. They were both acting totally puppy love-ish with her. Hey, more power to them. If either of them manage to get her to go out with them, then I say go be happy. I mean, she’s fun and sexy. We have a great time together and I care about her, but I don’t see myself settling down with her.

So there I was talking to a big group of people including the two guys who are in love with my date, when someone starts touching my back. I turn around and it’s a stunning, tall blonde girl, someone I’ve never met before. She says “you have hair on your back. Do you have a dog, or a cat?”

Now, this is basic knowledge which I think every guy knows which is if a woman touches you, she likes you. There are really very few exceptions to this. However, I can think back to my darkest days back when I had little confidence and I can imagine my old self interpreting a girl, especially a beautiful blonde girl, picking hair off my back as a kind of insult. Good thing I’m past those days. I knew that she was trying to get my attention so I said “no, I don’t have a pet. But you just wanted to get my attention didn’t you?” There’s no freakin’ way the old me would have been able to pull off that line.

I came at her strong because she seemed pretty confident. You have to really gauge sometimes because I think the same line would have made a less bold girl back away. I like to just go with what I’m feeling and at the time I felt it was the right thing to say. It obviously was the right thing to say because we chatted for a little while and really hit it off. I very discretely got her number because I didn’t want to disrespect my date by hitting on another girl right in front of her, although I guess that’s exactly what I did. That’s okay though because we’re obviously not exclusive.

Man, when I think about how my life has changed in just a matter of a few years it blows my mind.

 

Being friends with women

Is it possible to be friends with women?

I’ve heard a lot of people say that you can never really be friends with someone of the opposite sex because there is always attraction but I don’t think this is true. First of all, there isn’t necessarily always sexual attraction between friends but in my experience it is rare because attraction always seems to develop between friends of the opposite sex. I guess if one or both are gay or there’s a big age difference then attraction would not develop.

However, I think sexual attraction between friends isn’t necessarily bad. In fact I think it’s healthy and normal. There is a good bit of being friends that involves attraction, and I don’t think it goes away merely by being friends as long as you act correctly.

You can carry on sexual banter with your female friends. I do it all the time and I find that as long as I keep it fun, it’s all good. I find that guys get in trouble is when they play the ultra-nice guy and walk on eggshells trying not to insult. For example, if a female friend shows up in a low-cut top, when I see her I might say “hold on a sec while I stare at your fantastic tits for a while, so I’m not staring at them all night” which will get a laugh. A nice guy would probably avoid looking at her cleavage and sneak a look when she’s not paying attention, which is sneaky and kinda creepy.

If you’re friends with a girl and you’re attracted to her, I think it’s important to express that attraction naturally. Not in a desperate way like “I must have you or I’ll die.” (If that’s the case and you can’t have her, you shouldn’t be friends with her in first place – but more on this later) No, I mean express the fact that you enjoy her femininity and sexuality, with no strings attached, just being in the moment.

What you’ll find is that she’ll respect you for it because you’re being honesty and also you’ll find that if you two can’t be together right now due to logistics or whatever, you won’t close the door to a future relationship or fling. Being a sexless friend will however close that door for good.

My doing this has led to a few flings with female friends, and after the flings ended, we’re still friends. I guess some people call it friends with benefits, but I think that’s kind of crude because I do truly value them as friends.

All this is assuming that you’re friends with a girl for the right reasons in the first place. In other words you value her as a friend. If you’re friends with her because you’re desperately in love and are waiting for the off-chance she may fall in love with you, then you shouldn’t be friends with her. You should be a non-friend who is pursuing her romantically only. But that’s another topic and another post.

 

Being intense

I remember back when I was struggling with my dating life, a girl who I really fell for told me that I was “too intense.” It was a recurring theme. She wasn’t the only one who said I was too intense. Another girl told me that dealing with me was “just too much.”

It’s funny because I think now my interactions with women are way more intense than they were back then, like exponentially more intense. I have very good success now and no girl has told me that I’m too intense.

I think I figured out why this is. Back then, when I liked a girl I would lay it all on her. I mean, there was no doubt about how much I adored her, how much I cherished her. The problem is that the intensity, all the tension resided inside of me. She, as the girl, had to deal with some guy just unloading on her. That’s an uncomfortable spot to put a woman in and her first instinct is to run. This in Bad Intensity.

The intensity I use nowadays lies in the our interaction and hopefully, if she’s attracted to me, within her. This kind of intensity is not a burden, it’s intriguing. It makes life interesting an exciting. This is Good Intensity.

Check this out, when I had Bad Intensity my words were good. I would tell a girl how wonderful she was, how meeting her has enriched my life but my unconscious communication to her, my slumped shoulders, my hangdog look said “I am miserable and the only way I can be happy is if you say yes to me.” That’s like handing a girl a 50 pound rock and telling her “Hang on to this. It’s my happiness and it’s your responsibility now.”

With the Good Intensity that I have now, my words to her might be bad. I might say “you’re driving me crazy, I can’t get you out of my mind” but my unconscious communication to her is that I’m having fun with her right now. If she says yes to me, then great. If she says no, then great because I’m sick of being driven to distraction this beautiful, sexy girl.

However, more often than not I just talk about normal, everyday stuff. I could be talking about shoelaces and toothpaste but I’ll communicate with my eyes and body to her that I’m totally hot for her. What’s really important to communicate is that I’m talking to her right now and I’m having a great time.

Just remember, Bad Intensity is an energy sucking burden on her while Good Intensity makes her life exciting.

 

Further thoughts on being alpha

I want to elaborate on my last post on being alpha.

What I strive for is being a custodian of my society. I live in this society and I am a caretaker of its well being, that includes all the members of society, all races, all genders, all ages. There is a sense of responsibility.

I try to embody this concept, not just in abstract but also in action. Part of being alpha is taking action.

I remember a while back going to a museum in San Jose with my friends. We were walking around when we walked past the escalator. There was a group of people standing around the up escalator and there was a commotion. A woman screamed “oh my god!” Clearly something was wrong.

The next thing I knew I found myself running toward the escalator. Yet another case of trusting my body, letting it take over. I didn’t even think.

What was happening was there was a family going up the escalator. An elderly man, the grandfather, was holding a baby when he fell. He couldn’t regain his balance and he was tumbling over and over backwards, onto the baby.

I raced up the escalator, stopped the man from tumbling with my leg, and picked up the baby. She was okay, but she was frightened and crying. The old man was okay but he hurt his knee. After checking on everyone, I slipped away while museum management took care of them.

The surprising thing was that there were about 25 people watching this happening, doing nothing. I ran from over 50 feet away to help. I didn’t do anything special other than act. There was no special skill involved. I was severely disappointed in the other people who were there before me but didn’t act, especially the men. I have commented before that I think the bay area is full of sissy men. This little incident just reinforced that notion.

To be alpha, you have to be willing to step up, take responsibility, take action. There is a line in the movie The Princess Bride where Wesley says “we are men of action, lies do not become us.” It’s a neat line and it is true.

 

AMOG techniques

My last post on being alpha reminds me of another beef I have with pickup techniques. I detest AMOG techniques, which are techniques for showing up or tooling other guys. AMOG stands for “alpha male other guy.” The techniques themselves are usually insults, negs, or anything to bring down some guy who is engaging the woman you are interested in.

I am proud to say that during the few months I tried pickup I never AMOGed anyone. It just seems like the most douchebag thing.

If I’m talking to a girl and some guy comes at me with some AMOG shit, he’s an asshole. If the girl responds positively to the AMOG shit, then she’s an asshole too. The way I see it, the guy did me a huge favor by taking her off my hands. My time is too valuable, there are too many good people out there for me to waste my time with a girl who’s an asshole.

I’ve encountered guys who tried to AMOG me in the past and you know what? It never works. Because I know enough to not waste my time with a girl who’s an asshole. Usually what happens is me and the girl try to humor the AMOGing asshole or she gives me a look that says “save me, take me away from this creep.”

Here’s another reason I think AMOGing sucks. If you’ve ever tried it, think about how you feel while you are trying to tool some guy who’s done you no harm. If you are emotionally healthy, there’s probably a twinge of uneasiness in your gut, something is physically uncomfortable in your being.

One thing I will stress over and over again is to listen to your body. Your body knows best. When I listen to my body, good things happen like when my body took over and asked out my third girlfriend. It was like I was just along for the ride.

I know that if I were to tool some guy for no reason other than to take his girl away, my body would rebel against me. Bad mojo would just spread all over and wreak its negative effects. I would negatively affect the way I come off to other people. However, if I am warm and friendly to everyone, my body is relaxed and I come off way better.

 

Being alpha

Do you know what it really means to be alpha?

I can’t say I definitively do, but I can say what it’s not. It’s not showing up other guys, it’s not being rude or belligerent with other guys, it is not overt displays of dominance.

Let’s go back to where the term came from. An alpha wolf is the leader of the pack. Think about it – the leader of the pack has enormous responsibilities. He’s responsible for the safety and survival of the other wolves. It’s a privilege and a burden at the same time.

I remember walking through life and being angry, seeing other guys as threats. This is no way to go about life, acting like a victim, like the hunted. It may seem alpha to be hostile but it’s the most beta thing you can do.

I’ve changed. Now, I see other men as brothers. My change was due to finding religion, converting to Christianity a few years ago but you don’t have to find religion to change your way of thinking. All it takes is a little compassion and empathy.

Next time you are out, take a look at guys who you think have it all together. It can be some tall, white, blond, fratboy jock who has women hanging all over him. Well, he has problems too. There might be some girl he’s pining over but can’t have. His mom might have cancer. Or he may just be unhappy. A friend of mine, a white guy, is engaged to a very beautiful, well known socialite. They make a beautiful couple but I know that he’s unhappy and is looking for a way out of the engagement without having it blowing up in his face.

What I’m trying to say is that being Asian does not give you a unique perspective on having difficulties. Being white is not a automatic guarantee of dating success. Everyone has difficulties. Like I’ve stated before, the vast majority of white guys I know are struggling in their dating life.

Just have compassion for your fellow man (and woman). You don’t have to solve their problems but you shouldn’t automatically see other guys as threats.

 

The following will not help you with women…

1. Playing guitar

I’ve played guitar for years. I’m pretty good. I can play blues, jazz, metal, rock. I can jam. Nobody cares. Now being in a band will help. It has more to do with fame than it does skill. You can be the backup tamborine player in a crappy local band and it will get you laid more easily than being the best unknown guitarist in the world.

2. Martial arts

I’m a black belt. In jiu-jitsu. Brazilian jiu-jitsu. No girl has ever cared a lick about my black belt. I mean, I used to teach fighting at a gym and I ended up sleeping with three girls from the gym (not at the same time), two were my students. Yeah, I know, talk about unethical. But that had more to do with authority than it did martial arts skill.

Now, being a badass UFC fighter will help you pull women. Again, this has more to do with fame than it does fighting skill. But believe me, you want to steer clear of UFC groupie girls unless you’re up to date on your shots.

3. Being funny

How often have you heard that women love a sense of humor? Constantly. But for the life of me I don’t know where this myth came from. I think people confuse “being funny” with someone who “makes them laugh.” Those are two different things, related, but different. It’s more important to be able to share good times, make a girl and yourself for that matter laugh, rather than telling jokes. I think I’ve even seen books like “Comedy for Picking Up Women.” It’s a waste of tme and money. Just learn how to be yourself and have fun.