Getting physical too soon

I’ve noticed that if I get too physical with a woman too fast, it usually doesn’t go well for one reason or another.

I remember one situation when I met a girl in a bar and we locked ourselves in the bar bathroom, we made out, and I felt her up all over. Trust me, it was just as sleazy as it sounds. Maybe more. I think that was the problem because when I expected her to separate from her girlfriends and come home with me, she got her friends to take her away.

Now let me add a disclaimer. I am really looking for that one special girl, so I have a tendency to go after nice, or nice-seeming girls. My friends and I have a saying – when we go to bars and clubs we’re looking for girls who look like they don’t normally go to bars and clubs. Doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate a party girl, but a party girl isn’t going to hold my interest if there’s a beautiful, girl next door type standing next to her. And I think that was the problem in this situation. This girl was acting in a way incongruent with her self image, because she did seem like nice girl, and she found a way to get out of a jam by getting her friends to take her away.

This isn’t to say that getting overly physical in the bar/club will always jeopardize your chances. Sometimes it’s the right thing to do. It really depends on the circumstances, but I find it doesn’t work for me.

Now a slightly different situation. Let’s say instead of getting really physical with a girl in the club, I play it cool, navigate the logistical problems and we end up sleeping together. This has never led to a relationship for me. At most, it’s led to a few hookups.

It might be my fault. If a girl sleeps with me the very first day I meet her, I tend to categorize her as “a girl I’m probably not going to marry.” It is a double standard and I’m not proud of it, but it’s there.

This isn’t really advice. It more about how things work for me, and maybe other guys who are looking for the one girl for them.

 

When a woman touches you

Just got back from a party. Not really sure what the point of this blog post is. I’m just recording my thoughts.

So I went to the party with this girl who I’m casually dating. She’s a former Tri-Delt, from Mississippi. I’ve dated a lot of sorority girls but never a Tri-Delt. I should be too old, too mature to care about stupid shit like this but I guess I’m not because I still think it’s cool.

There were a couple of guys there who I know were in love my date. They had tried unsuccessfully to ask her out in the past but she wasn’t interested. They were both acting totally puppy love-ish with her. Hey, more power to them. If either of them manage to get her to go out with them, then I say go be happy. I mean, she’s fun and sexy. We have a great time together and I care about her, but I don’t see myself settling down with her.

So there I was talking to a big group of people including the two guys who are in love with my date, when someone starts touching my back. I turn around and it’s a stunning, tall blonde girl, someone I’ve never met before. She says “you have hair on your back. Do you have a dog, or a cat?”

Now, this is basic knowledge which I think every guy knows which is if a woman touches you, she likes you. There are really very few exceptions to this. However, I can think back to my darkest days back when I had little confidence and I can imagine my old self interpreting a girl, especially a beautiful blonde girl, picking hair off my back as a kind of insult. Good thing I’m past those days. I knew that she was trying to get my attention so I said “no, I don’t have a pet. But you just wanted to get my attention didn’t you?” There’s no freakin’ way the old me would have been able to pull off that line.

I came at her strong because she seemed pretty confident. You have to really gauge sometimes because I think the same line would have made a less bold girl back away. I like to just go with what I’m feeling and at the time I felt it was the right thing to say. It obviously was the right thing to say because we chatted for a little while and really hit it off. I very discretely got her number because I didn’t want to disrespect my date by hitting on another girl right in front of her, although I guess that’s exactly what I did. That’s okay though because we’re obviously not exclusive.

Man, when I think about how my life has changed in just a matter of a few years it blows my mind.

 

Being intense

I remember back when I was struggling with my dating life, a girl who I really fell for told me that I was “too intense.” It was a recurring theme. She wasn’t the only one who said I was too intense. Another girl told me that dealing with me was “just too much.”

It’s funny because I think now my interactions with women are way more intense than they were back then, like exponentially more intense. I have very good success now and no girl has told me that I’m too intense.

I think I figured out why this is. Back then, when I liked a girl I would lay it all on her. I mean, there was no doubt about how much I adored her, how much I cherished her. The problem is that the intensity, all the tension resided inside of me. She, as the girl, had to deal with some guy just unloading on her. That’s an uncomfortable spot to put a woman in and her first instinct is to run. This in Bad Intensity.

The intensity I use nowadays lies in the our interaction and hopefully, if she’s attracted to me, within her. This kind of intensity is not a burden, it’s intriguing. It makes life interesting an exciting. This is Good Intensity.

Check this out, when I had Bad Intensity my words were good. I would tell a girl how wonderful she was, how meeting her has enriched my life but my unconscious communication to her, my slumped shoulders, my hangdog look said “I am miserable and the only way I can be happy is if you say yes to me.” That’s like handing a girl a 50 pound rock and telling her “Hang on to this. It’s my happiness and it’s your responsibility now.”

With the Good Intensity that I have now, my words to her might be bad. I might say “you’re driving me crazy, I can’t get you out of my mind” but my unconscious communication to her is that I’m having fun with her right now. If she says yes to me, then great. If she says no, then great because I’m sick of being driven to distraction this beautiful, sexy girl.

However, more often than not I just talk about normal, everyday stuff. I could be talking about shoelaces and toothpaste but I’ll communicate with my eyes and body to her that I’m totally hot for her. What’s really important to communicate is that I’m talking to her right now and I’m having a great time.

Just remember, Bad Intensity is an energy sucking burden on her while Good Intensity makes her life exciting.

 

My dating life part 3

So by the time I was in the bay area, I had quite a few hangups. I thought that Asian women weren’t attracted to me. I thought I couldn’t get white women. I thought media stereotypes were working against me.

Through all that, I developed quite a bit of animosity toward Asian women. I mean, I was pissed. If I showed up at a party and there was one Asian girl there and she looked like the type that only dated white guys, I would go out of my way to totally ignore that Asian girl. Yeah, I was a jerk.

I tried to date white girls. Actually, I worked my way toward white girls by first dating a half Japanese/half white girl. She’d only dated white guys her entire life and I was her first Asian American boyfriend, so we met on our path going opposite directions, haha. Now she’s happily married to a Korean American dude. I’m happy for her.

Eventually I made it to dating white girls and lo and behold, white girls like me. I don’t know if was the fact that I’m more compatible with white girls, the fact that I grew up, probably a combination of both but dating all of a sudden became easy. I wish there was something I could put my finger on, but I can’t. My schtick that would fall flat with Asian girls now makes white girls giggle and blush or banter with me, invite me up to their apartment to watch old movies, bake cupcakes or some other lame but cute excuse.

I think it might be because my persona, my natural persona, is a bit sexual in nature. Not sleazy, just sexual. An Asian girl might find that vibe perfectly acceptable coming from a white guy, but coming from an Asian guy she gets freaked out.

It doesn’t matter to me because through it all I’ve found myself more attracted to white girls. I still think that Asian girls are gorgeous but now I have a clear preference for white girls. And as for that animosity and anger toward Asian girls, well I’ve had several instances where I had some premeditated hostility toward some Asian girl and she laid the smackdown on me with kindness and generosity. I’ve been shamed out of my hostility. Now I have nothing but love for everyone, including Asian girls.

And the weirdest thing. Very recently, I’ve had some Asian girls approach me out of the blue. Maybe I’m just more comfortable in my own skin and they can see. I still prefer white girls.

 

Dating (in)competence

So far into my bio, it does seem like I’d been with a number of girls. Not a huge amount, about 10 by the time I graduated college, but I wasn’t a desperate virgin looking for my first kiss. This however does not mean that at that time I was confident with women. Far from it. I was a mess.

Don’t ask me how I ended up with a handful of girlfriends and a handful of hookups back them. Sheer dumb luck I would imagine. I remember doing the most ridiculous, over the top shows of adoration before I even started dating a girl. And what do you know, it worked. The girls fell for it. Very little doesn’t work in college.

Even back then though, I can only remember one time going after a girl that I was breathtakingly attracted to. That was girlfriend #3 – the attraction was so strong it was like I was possessed. I had no idea what my body was doing and before I knew it, she said yes to going on a date with me. However, the rest of the time I would be intimidated by truly beautiful girl.

(Coincidentally, that “possessed” feeling is kind of what I do now. When I meet a girl who takes my breath away, there is no barrier that can stand between me and her. Shyness, anxiety go out the window. I honestly don’t know what I do, but when I approach such a girl I can talk about the most mundane things like the weather but there is no mistaking why I’m talking to her, and she knows it.)

Okay, back to college. I managed to have a love life but once I graduated to the real world, all that went out the window. That college stuff does not work out in the world where people draw paychecks and pay their own rent.

On top of all that, my hangups about being Asian and losing out to white guys came on full bore. My inability to win back girlfriend #3 was eating away at me, plus after graduation, I moved the bay area and around here, almost all the Asian girls date white guys. That’s when the little activist flame ignited inside me.

 

My dating life part 2

Where was I?

Oh, so breaking up with gf #3 really messed me up. I was convinced we were going to get married and settle down but I had to fuck it up by cheating. There was no way it would have lasted because she was a freshman, just a few months out of high school. Still, what we had was good.

Just as an aside, she lost her virginity to me. In my life, I’ve de-virgined three different girls. This is neither here nor there, in fact it’s meaningless other than the fact that you have more of a mess to clean up. I’m not even sure why I’m adding this fact. I think it’s because it was my first V-card that I felt like I had “rights” to her or something, making the breakup even harder. Yeah, it sounds fucked up. I might edit this out later because it makes me sound like an a-hole.

The thing that really messed me up is the fact that after we broke up, my beautiful, granola Asian girl only dated white guys. It was like she graduated from Asian guys to bigger and better things. At least that’s how I saw it at the time. In my mind I could never get her back because I lacked fundamental whiteness.

This was the beginning of an Asian-white complex I had that, thank goodness, only lasted a couple of years. I know that sounds like a long time, but it can consume some guys for several years. It’ll mess you up. Avoid at all costs!

Sorry about rambling on and on about my past. Hopefully someone finds it illuminating. More later.

 

My dating life part 1

I was raised in the midwest, in a community where there were very few other Asian folks. It was me and maybe two other guys in our high school. I think there was a Japanese American girl a couple of years ahead of us. The rest were white with a handful of black kids thrown in.

I was raised in a pretty strict family so there was no dating during high school. It was funny, I was on the football team, the basketball team and the baseball team but I never dated. I guess no one really noticed because I was the only jock who got good grades. The other jocks were barely passing and very few made it to college. Even though I didn’t date in high school, I certainly had a ton of crushes. I think a few of them crushed back on me but I never did anything about it. I mean, what could I do? I couldn’t take them out on a date. So I never made a move.

It was incredibly frustrating. I felt like there was something fundamentally different from me than the other kids. The other kids went on dates, went to parties got drunk, a handful had sex. I stayed home and did my homework. I started wondering how I was ever going to get a girlfriend.

I went off the college and was immediately struck by how many other Asian kids there were. It was a revelation. Within a matter of months, I met a girl and started dating her. She was a graduate student from Asia. Her English sucked but we spoke the same native language. I was 17, she was 22. I lost my virginity one week before my 18th birthday.

That was my first girlfriend in college. My next girlfriends were #2) a very popular Asian American girl who was in the student council, #3) an Asian American hippie girl who was my first true love and, #4) another foreign student, this time I didn’t speak her native language. There were a handful of hookups thrown in there but I’m not counting them. All the hookup girls were Asian American.

Breaking up with #3 really messed me up. I was hopelessly in love with her and the breakup was my fault. I cheated on her, not with #4 but some random girl I met. It was really inexplicable. I was with a girl who was everything I wanted, I was desperately in love with her, but yet I found myself having sex with some strange girl I just met. Now, the strange girl was objectively more attractive than my hippie gf at the time, but nowhere near better. My gf was a better person, more beautiful on the inside, still objectively beautiful on the outside but yet I still cheated on her. Go figure.

That’s one of the reasons why when the pickup community says they want to learn pickup so that they can be confident on their ultimate relationship and not wonder what else is out there, I think it’s total BS. Being settled in a relationship has nothing to do with having or not having options. It has everything to being committed to a relationship come hell or highwater. There will always be a hotter girl. You will always meet someone who fires your loins hotter. I’m just touching on this for now. I’ll write more about this on a later date.

 

Why non-pickup?

Pickup techniques don’t work for me.

For a brief time a few years ago I tried some of the techniques that I read about online and they led to some of the most spectacular crashes and burns in my life. I was actually doing okay with women and I think I regressed quite a bit when I tried pickup techniques. I ended up approaching women I had no interest in, talking about a whole bunch of BS that I had no interest in and knew nothing about, and ended up looking like a total dork. I remember going out with my buddy who was also trying the pickup stuff, going to bars and clubs with the express purpose of meeting women. If you met someone, success, if not, failure. We felt like such losers. When my brief try at pickup ended, I think it lasted about few months, I went back to being myself and was able to get in the swing of things again. Eventually.

The big relief after abandoning pickup is that I can go out with the only goal being to have fun and I end up meeting seemingly an endless stream of available, attractive women. There is no more of this feast or famine mentality of picking up women as the only goal.

There is no doubt that pickup works for some guys. Maybe it’s most guys, I don’t know. But when I watch the Pickup Artist on VH1 I just get this queasy feeling in my stomach and think “thank goodness I’m not those guys.” I’m talking about after they’ve been trained by Mystery and are wearing their stupid looking bling, not before.

Still, I don’t want to hate on those guys. I just hate their clothes but if the pickup stuff is working and making them happy then more power to them.

 

Introduction

This blog reflects my thoughts about life with women. I’m an Asian American man living on the bay area, and although things most certainly are different for me than they are for a white American guy, I can’t really say I’m at a disadvantage.

I was inspired to write about this subject after listening to the Better Asian Man podcast. The host, William, encourages guys help other Asian men out. I’m not the type of guy that goes home with supermodels every night. I don’t have that type of game. I know there are guys out there who are that good – that’s not me and I don’t think that would make me happy. I can say that I manage to attract women that I’m attracted to, and if it doesn’t work out it’s usually a logistical problem like one or both of us is not single or in one case she was leaving the next day for a two year stint in France. Maybe someone with superior game could have slept with her that night, but I didn’t want to just sleep with her.

I know there’s a lot of pickup material out there and it seems to help a lot of guys, but that stuff doesn’t work for me at all. I was already doing okay with women when I discovered the pickup stuff, and I have to tell you that trying out pickup techniques actually set me back. Good thing I didn’t waste too much time on it. I did read The Game by Neil Strauss but I took it as more of a cautionary tale than a how-to book.

So after my brief foray into pickup, I went back to simply living my life and things have gone really well, at least as far as women are concerned. I really can’t point to anything special that I’m doing but I hope to be able to identify some things as I continue writing.

This blog really is just a place to organize my thoughts. If someone finds it helpful then that’s just gravy.